The Federation News Service: Kirk or Picard?

If anyone tells you that Star Trek is a sci-fi/fantasy story that shows what mankind is capable of in a post-scarcity economy, they’re wrong. Dead wrong. Real fans of the show know the central driving conflict of the Star Trek Universe: Kirk or Picard?

It's on, bitches.

Today on Combat Archeology, we look at how each captain in the Federation News Service has answered this question for him/her/itself.

Tipa (Tipa)

Tipa, Leader of Our Fleet. God help us all.

I think the evidence speaks for itself:

The cavalier attitude toward dead ensigns, coupled with a trite note of sadness. The desire to romance the green skinned alien. Using sex as a political tool.The flagrant breakage of the Prime Directive. The ‘can do’ attitude.

Tipa’s a Kirk woman Zhen/Shen all the way.

T’Androma (GeeCee)

Lord in Heaven, this Vulcan is barred from stepping foot on Bajor (‘personal differences with the Kai’), wanted by two separate gangs of Orion slave traders and the Department of Temporal Investigations (‘they had it coming’), and maybe responsible for creating a whole new holographic species (‘safety protocols are for champs’). She’s clearly the bastard child of Kirk, or maybe sired by his Mirror Universe counterpart.

T'Andy. Bringing sexy back.

But it doesn’t stop there! Just like the real Kirk, there are spurious allegations that she ‘has a thing’ for her Vulcan first officer. Hell, there’s even fan art out there, people!

Kirk, definitely. The most Kirk of us all.

Bryn Ave (BlueKae)

Great guy. Comes from a race of tall, blue people that possess a cool language. Seems to care about his crew. Takes his job really seriously. Visits Wolf 359 on every shakedown cruise.

Bryn Ave. This guy is awesome. Too awesome. Creepy awesome.

He’s a Picard guy. Maybe, eventually, Bryn will get an episode where he gets some actual characterization, revealing that he actually has a great passion for bassoon playing and sometimes wonders if he’s made the right choices in life. Or was that Riker?

Longasc (Longasc)

As best I can tell, Longasc’s personal files are off limits to me (read: where the hell is your blog?!). As such, I don’t have any stories to go off of, only hearsay from other captains.

Longasc. The changing face of evil.

And what I hear is disturbing. Cloning other captains. Playing dress up with his crew. Experimenting on Mirror Universe doppelgangers.

I’m thinking… Dr. Mindbender.

Yes, that Dr. Mindbender.

Donovan Taggart Locke/Rowan Ashayam Starblanket (Rowan)

Locke and Starblanket. Clearly destined to be a couple.

Go read their stories yourself. It’d be a little unfair to simplify Rowan’s awesome, fleshed out characters into ‘Kirk’ or ‘Picard’ expies.

That said, with a middle name like Taggart

If it’s not obvious, I’m really excited for Season Two to drop. The FNS is still around – which is awesome – and I can’t wait to start leveling up my new character. No offense was meant to anyone (or their virtual avatar!), and if I left someone out, let me know!


14 thoughts on “The Federation News Service: Kirk or Picard?

  1. OMG I LOVE Galaxy Quest! Strangely, I didn’t intentionally name Locke after Commander Taggart. It just seemed to fit.

    Thank you so much for the kind words. 😀

    • You didn’t? Damn, what an awesome coincidence!

      And you’re welcome – your writing is really good. I hope to see more of it soon.

  2. OMG I didn’t make the FNS cut. Clearly I been on super secret highly classified Starfleet priority Omega deepspace mission too long in uncharted galaxy. Will take finding and opening up several Wormholes to fold space just to barely reach federation galaxy space.

    He’ll dunno if an when i can even find my way back to Alpha Quadrant an complete my mission.

      • What would a Sisko-class Captain be like? I did watch the series (way back when it was airing) but he never made the same impression on me that Kirk and Picard did. I could probably do a better job of outlining a Janeway-class than a Sisko one.

        • In my humble opinion, Sisko is an awesome hybrid of Kirk and Picard. He’s got all of Picard’s strengths, coupled with Kirk’s renegade streak. If I’d grown up with him more, he’d probably be my favorite.

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